You do it to yourself…

You do it to yourself, you do
and that’s what really hurts
You do it to yourself, just you
you and no-one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

Oh Radiohead.  How much truth is in this chorus, well, you probably know because you wrote them.  The song, however has just implanted itself into my brain after a morning of doubt and fumbling, and some resulting blog posts.

I really did it to myself.  I did, and that’s what really hurts, I did it to myself, just me.  Me and no-one else.  I did it to myself.

What did I do exactly?  Well I let doubt get the better of me. As much as I wish I were at the point that I could spot doubt as it was starting to plant its seed and pull it out then and there like a weed that has not yet rooted itself in the ground, I am not.  And as of today, I generally acknowledge doubt after it’s had it’s way with me a few times.  And when it’s done, all I can think is “I’ve done it to myself.”

However, what’s the use in beating myself up over it?  There isn’t any.  Doubting myself doesn’t have to really hurt.  Not if I don’t let it, and not if I choose to learn from it instead of letting it get the better of me.  Because if I did it to myself, I can undo it to myself.  I can move past it, or I can dwell on it.  I’ve never learnt anything from dwelling on an issue, but I’ve certainly learnt much from moving past it.

The choice seems an easy one now… and Radiohead’s lyrics… more a chance to blame than an opportunity to move beyond.

I doubt that’s possible… or do I?

There are times where it can be easy for me to get caught up in the mechanics of a situation.  There are details I just haven’t figured out yet, and I get so focused on trying to find a solution that I miss out on everything else that’s going on.  Right now, for instance, I’m fumbling.  I have an idea of where I’d like to go, and for most of last year I was just out in the world, doing my thing, going wherever the wind took me.  Because I figured if that’s where the wind blew me, then that must be the place for me to be.

As much as I talk about being clear about choices, and trusting yourself and your instincts, I think an important part of this process is knowing that at some point, you may fumble.  How is it possible to be so sure of oneself if you haven’t spent any time being unsure?  The questions milling about in my head right now are ranging on all levels.  From relationships, to music, to career.  I’m questioning my choices, I’m looking at where I’ve been and I’m wondering if where I’ve been headed all of this time is still where I want to go.

Is it possible to devote my spare time and energy to build a company, write a blog that will turn into a book, follow my heart further down the musical path it loves so much and still have time for quality friendships and relationships?  Many people over the last couple of years have told me “no, no it isn’t possible.” And yet, I’ve found some that tell me “of course it is.”

I’m in a moment right now, that I don’t know which one of those sides to believe.  I’m doubting the truth of everything I’ve said so far.  And yet now that I’ve put those doubts into words, I wonder just how true they are?  Or if I’m just looking for a way to prove the rest of the world right.  The ones who say it’s not possible.  The ones who can lull me back to a spot of complacency.

Part of living the life of my dreams has been about recognizing everything I might be feeling at one moment or another.  Knowing that there will be moments that I doubt myself and my abilities, but having the strength to acknowledge it, but not to give in to it.

Doubt is as much a part of the process as belief. It’s as natural a feeling as any other.  It can be what gets in our way, what stops us from continuing on down the path to what we want.  But it can also serve as a valuable check and balance.  Whenever you are at a place of doubt, don’t just banish it from your thoughts, but don’t get caught up in it either. Stop, observe it, explore where it’s coming from. It crept into your mind for one reason or another. Take it as a sign to check in.  See what the situation is around you, see if what you want still fits, or if new opportunities have arisen that change your game plan.

Just as light cannot exist without dark, the good is never good unless measured against the bad, belief cannot exist without doubt. Use it to your advantage and then decide which one you’d like to prove right… what you believe… or what you doubt. Consciously pick one.  And I think you’ll find your proof either way.