In search of myself
November 2, 2009 § 9 Comments
The search for myself is a long one. I keep finding myself in so many different places and at so many different times that I wonder when I’ll stop and stand still for a moment… or if I’m destined to keep moving.. and keep myself in search of me along the way.
I once had a pretty specific belief about life. I always believed that things would work themselves out how I had envisioned them. The belief in whatever I was working towards just had to be strong enough. If it was a relationship, my love just had to be deep enough. If it was work, my desire had to be true enough to keep me motivated. But somehow, what I pictured would come true.
People talk so much about life defining moments and how you don’t really know you’re in one until after it’s passed you by. I think I’m in one right now, at my laptop, writing this blog post. I’ve just finished writing up some other draft posts. And there’s this feeling in my gut that nothing will be the same after tonight.
My life defining moments in my mere 27.5 years on earth have been few… in fact, there are two:
My first big trip overseas without my parents: I went to Indonesia when I was 14 to visit a childhood friend who had moved there with her parents. The experience of such a different culture in and of itself inspired further trips and led to my BComm with a major in International Business and a further desire to wander the globe.
The death of my brother in 2004: If ever there’s a way to flip somebody’s world upside down, it’s to experience the death of a sibling so young. Not that I have any experience with losing a sibling when I’m older… but this event rocked me to my core and has influenced every single decision I’ve made since then.
The 2nd moment I would say has brought me the most mileage. In the last 5 years, there hasn’t been a single aspect of my life that hasn’t been influenced by him in some way. And yet, I continue to search, and I won’t stand still. I often wonder if this is a direct result of that, and if someday someone will be able to stop me dead in my tracks and to be happy and content with where I’m at… or if that has forever shaped the way I view life, and my continual search for something more. Finding purpose in my life, if you will.
I’m not sure what the outcome will be, but one thing I know, is that I’m continuously finding moments where I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be. And it’s always in different situations and with different people, but that keeps me going… and because my circumstance is always changing, it keeps me in search of myself.
It’s also changed the shape of my belief on life. There’s more to it. But finding a happy and fulfilling life for me is about discovering the things I didn’t know about myself, finding the gifts I have to offer the world and maximizing that contribution, and being flexible and nimble enough to change my responses and actions based on the situation around me. We’ve only got one shot at the life we’re living… what are you doing with yours?