In search of myself

November 2, 2009 § 9 Comments

The search for myself is a long one.  I keep finding myself in so many different places and at so many different times that I wonder when I’ll stop and stand still for a moment… or if I’m destined to keep moving.. and keep myself in search of me along the way.

I once had a pretty specific belief about life.  I always believed that things would work themselves out how I had envisioned them.  The belief in whatever I was working towards just had to be strong enough.  If it was a relationship, my love just had to be deep enough.  If it was work, my desire had to be true enough to keep me motivated.  But somehow, what I pictured would come true.

People talk so much about life defining moments and how you don’t really know you’re in one until after it’s passed you by.  I think I’m in one right now, at my laptop, writing this blog post.  I’ve just finished writing up some other draft posts.  And there’s this feeling in my gut that nothing will be the same after tonight.

My life defining moments in my mere 27.5 years on earth have been few… in fact, there are two:

My first big trip overseas without my parents:  I went to Indonesia when I was 14 to visit a childhood friend who had moved there with her parents.  The experience of such a different culture in and of itself inspired further trips and led to my BComm with a major in International Business and a further desire to wander the globe.

The death of my brother in 2004: If ever there’s a way to flip somebody’s world upside down, it’s to experience the death of a sibling so young.  Not that I have any experience with losing a sibling when I’m older… but this event rocked me to my core and has influenced every single decision I’ve made since then.

The 2nd moment I would say has brought me the most mileage.  In the last 5 years, there hasn’t been a single aspect of my life that hasn’t been influenced by him in some way.  And yet, I continue to search, and I won’t stand still.  I often wonder if this is a direct result of that, and if someday someone will be able to stop me dead in my tracks and to be happy and content with where I’m at… or if that has forever shaped the way I view life, and my continual search for something more.  Finding purpose in my life, if you will.

I’m not sure what the outcome will be, but one thing I know, is that I’m continuously finding moments where I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be.  And it’s always in different situations and with different people, but that keeps me going… and because my circumstance is always changing, it keeps me in search of myself.

It’s also changed the shape of my belief on life.  There’s more to it.  But finding a happy and fulfilling life for me is about discovering the things I didn’t know about myself, finding the gifts I have to offer the world and maximizing that contribution, and being flexible and nimble enough to change my responses and actions based on the situation around me.  We’ve only got one shot at the life we’re living… what are you doing with yours?

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§ 9 Responses to In search of myself

  • David Olinger says:

    Very insightful, Wendy. I know I was heavily influenced by my dad’s passing in 1989. While I am still in search of that life balance, I did see the importance from his just learning to enjoy himself that one should not lose sight of the present … so when the opportunity has come to see some of my favourite performers in concert, for example, there was not a second thought of going.

  • Tze says:

    Wow, that’s deep. I didn’t know about your brother and I am sorry to hear that. I can’t even imagine what it felt like. Definitely something to think about…excellent post!

  • Wendy Peters says:

    David – absolutely, the present is what we’ve got. Unfortunately, it took me an incredibly long time to figure that out. I lived in the future for a long time, but that in and of itself had it’s own purpose, I wasn’t yet ready to deal with the present.

    Tze – Thank you! I wouldn’t ever want you to know what it feels like. It’s funny, though, just how much he’s influenced me, before and after his death. All of the things that used to annoy me so much (he really knew how to push my buttons) have become many of the qualities I now cherish in other people. Funny how that worked out.

  • Maria says:

    Great post, Wendy! And kudos to David for sending me this link. You’re so right about the death of someone close to you changing your life trajectory forever. My mom died tragically when I was eight and her loss has affected every aspect of my life to this day. I’m only about five years older than you, but I remember feeling as you do about finding purpose in your life. Those little signs that you’re where you’re supposed to be – pay attention to them. I believe they’re God’s way of revealing your purpose to you. I think we need to keep changing, growing, learning…like you said, we’ve only got one shot at life!

    • Wendy Peters says:

      Maria, thanks for sharing that. Part of me felt so very alone and lost after my brother died. In talking more about it over the years I’ve found more people understand where I was at and where I am at now than I did then. It’s sound advice to listen to those little signs. They keep us on track and keep us adding more to the world instead of taking away from it. 🙂

  • Anna Lise says:

    Thanks to both you and David for sharing your insights, it’s by sharing that we learn. A life defining moment for me was giving birth to my sons and holding them for the first time and thinking, wow i have been blessed with gods greatest gift. Life is such a journey and its all about staying focused remaining positive and being true to each other. I am glad David shared this link with me…..if you don’t mind i would like to post it on my facebook for others. Look forward to reading more.

    • Wendy Peters says:

      Thanks Anna Lise! And staying focused, remaining positive and being true to one another is a great way to put it. It’s amazing how much further we get in life when we stick to that kind of path. Please do share the link with whomever. The purpose of putting this out there is for others to gain and share whatever inspiration they have with others. For me, it’s one aspect to make a difference where I can.

  • Adrian Schatzmann says:

    Here is a passage of a book I am currently reading, which I think fits well to this discussion and David’s continuing journey:

    Life addresses questions to us, and we ourselves are a question. if we fail to observe, and engage in some form of cogent dialogue with the questions that emerge from our depths, then they, and our ill-considered, provisional answers, will continue to operate autonomously, and we will live an unconscious, unreflective, accidental life. So, then … let us reflect together for a while, consider what matters, what really matters, and then, in our wonderfully separate ways, fare forward together.

    Fare forward, travelers! Not escaping from the past
    Into indifferent lives, or into any future…
    Not to fare well,
    But fare forward, voyagers.

  • Wow! David after reading your post, I could not help but to immediately revisit the passing of my father in October 2004. Truthfully, there is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about a man who gave so much to me and others. He is my hero.

    For the first three years after his passing, it was very difficult for me to learn how to live in this world without him… I was left with two choices, grieve myself to death or find a way to allow my father to live through me. Through divine intervention I was able to make a choice, and that was to use my trials to help others. My reward: the healing process began!

    Yes, I do still miss my Dad terribly, but through his life and testimony my organization was born. The good news, I have found my purpose and I am determined to stay on course and finish the race! I accept and embrace my destiny and the true reason for living!

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